The Addict

Need to Blog

2010-09-13T04:03:00.000-07:00

At 7:05am, it was on my heart to blog.

It's been a while since I've crafted a post this early in the morning. Anyone who knows me will tell you I'm not a morning person. But...it's been way to long. And I miss having an outlet on which to let my thoughts be free. So, I logged in and started typing.

Interestingly enough, this post doesn't have a specific topic. My mind is all over the place: excited the Washington Redskins won! Pissed the Carolina Panthers lost. Looking forward to fall, but not the cold weather. (I HATE cold weather!) I've been to three weddings in the last four weeks--brutal! Not a good look for one's wallet. I had an amazing summer of travel for work. I went to LA, Chicago and Charlotte. Love all those places dearly and could definitely make one my home if the opportunity presented itself.

I've been amazed at how in tune with myself I've been over the last year. Just re-reading the above paragraph made me look how definitive I am with things. A few years ago, I would have been far from that. Things are much more black & white. I guess it comes with getting older right? (saving that for another post)

However you sum it up, I like it. I like being able to say what I feel without the obligation of justification.

It's simply how I feel.

Stronger

2010-02-15T10:32:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been so wrought with emotion that you couldn't even speak? And I'm not talking that momentary kind where you're just upset that something didn't go your way. I mean true, raw emotion that leaves you speechless. In place of words...maybe tears...or laughter...or love...or anger...or happiness...or sadness? The kind that develops in the moment you realize you're in love. Or when someone you love for dies. Or when someone you thought was a true friend betrays you. Or when your best friend says something that makes you laugh until you can't breathe...the kind of laughter that heals your soul.

I recently experienced that kind of emotion.

I didn't even realize the moment was happening until I realized my face was wet. It brought me to tears. Not tears of sadness. Tears of appreciation. There are times that you don't realize how much someone or something means to you until stop and really look at it.

I'm beginning to believe my spirit is healing. My ability to feel and embrace emotion is coming back. The indifference and wall I had built put up to protect myself is beginning to crumble.

Each day, I'm growing stronger and more confident in who I am and what my purpose is.

I can't take all the credit. I've been blessed with an amazing source of encouragement, inspiration, support and love.

I hope I don't lose it any time soon.

How...When...?

2010-01-24T15:42:00.000-08:00

How do you know it's time to move on? From a job? A person? A relationship?

How do you know that enough is enough?

How do you know you're meant to spend the rest of you life with someone? Is it a feeling? Something they say or do?

How do you know you're not in love with someone any more?

When do you know it's the right time to pass gas in front of your boo?

How do you you know it's the right time to tell someone you love them?

How do you know the best is yet to come? Especially when things are good as they are?

When do you know it's the right time to let go?

How do you know if people really have your best interest at heart?

When do you know you need to leave well enough alone?

How do you know when to tell someone you think they are making a big mistake?

When do you know it's time to stop letting other people control your life...emotions...decisions?

How do you really know that joy will come in morning?

How do you know it's time to admit you're wrong?

How do you know that just being yourself is enough?

That's What Friends are For...

2010-01-10T13:22:00.000-08:00

Friendship is a priceless jewel.

Over the weekend, I spent time with a good friend of mine as part of her birthday festivities. We had wine and appetizers at a nice Italian restaurant Friday night, I took her to the spa for mani/pedi's on Saturday, followed by a quick run to a quaint "trinket" shop to browse for a bracelet we've both been eyeing. On our way into the shop, we were chatting away as usual and she reached out to give me a hug.

Pause.

Now- my friend is a really great person. She's smart, pretty, a good listener, and would give you the shirt off her back...literally. She's very weird and crazy in her own way...but being friends with her is easy and never dull. We get along very well.

Now, when she reached out to give me a hug along with a "thank you for being so sweet...giving me your time..." message, I told her not to hug me. I reminded her it was her birthday weekend and our plans included "friend time." After we left the trinket shop, I thought about my gesture. Had she understood where I was coming from? Did she take offense? To gain some clarity, I called her and explained that she didn't need to thank me. This is what friends do...and I know that if the tables were turned she would have done the same for me. She came back with she appreciated me and didn't want me to think she was monopolizing all my time. I didn't see it that way at all! It had been at least two weeks since I'd seen her and we were long overdue for girl time.

Later that evening as we were rounding out birthday festivities at one of our favorite lounges, she told me that she wasn't used to having friends who put her before other priorities, i.e., boyfriends/relationships, work, and other life vices. She was always adjusting to them instead of them cutting her some slack.

Last time I checked, friendship was a two-way street.

I responded by reminding her that when appropriate friends/boyfriends, family or whatever could always be considered. That time is ours and we can spend it however we like. Unless it's a major emergency, everything else can wait. Many things come and go, but time with family and friends is priceless.

I'm just happy to be a positive part of her life. After all, isn't that what friends are for?

I Have no Words...?

2010-01-07T05:33:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here with an interesting case of writer's block, if you will. It's funny, there are times I've sat down to blog and had to taper my candor. There are times I've blogged and then deleted the post; I only need to type feverishly and get frustrations out. Sometimes, I browse the blogs of others to get a little motivation. But today, at this very minute...I'm at a loss for words.

That's something for me, because I can be a "chatty Kathy" at times. Even when I'm just listening to something, I'm always thinking, studying, processing. I have trouble sleeping at night because my mind is racing with random things: song lyrics, my agenda for the next day, how my momma is doing...any thing! It's the same when I wake up too. My mind is constantly in motion.

I find it all too funny when I sit down to blog, I have nothing to say (type). Lol, by reading this post, you'd think otherwise. Ah well, I'll make my way back when I have something of substance to share....

"Wii Wrist"

2010-01-05T09:36:00.000-08:00

You've heard the terms "tennis elbow" or "swimmers ear"? Well, I don't have either one of those, but I do have a severe case of "Wii wrist".

What, may you ask, is Wii wrist?

Wii wrist: when an individual partakes in the playing the Wii for such an extended period of time that the muscles of the forearm and around the wrist become inflamed and tender due to repetitive motion.

In lay terms, I've been getting my Wii on and now I'm paying for it. My arms is so sore! This is in addition to my daily workouts and teaching classes at work. Throw in typing emails and other activities of daily living and !- Wii wrist.

Here's the deal: the Wii was a gift for Jesus' birthday. Since it's been hooked up, I've been playing like crazy. It's my new favorite friend! Anyway, Saturday night I got it in- 3 hours to be exact. The cause of all my trouble: Wii Sports Resort. 12 games, everything from basketball to archery. I PLAYED EVERY GAME THEY HAD! Maybe not a bright idea, but I had a great time! I took Sunday off, but played for an hour last night when I should have been in bed. This morning my arm hurt something fierce! I let the massage therapist get at it for about 10 minutes--can we say OUCH?! She dug into my arm like she was mad at me. After I'd had all the rubbing I could stand, she told me to take a break from the Wii to let my arm rest.

WHAT?!

I know it's my own fault...but I LOVE my Wii. It's fun, and the time really does get away from you. And when you're playing against someone?! Forget it. You're talking trash, getting excited, trying to win and next thing you know your whole life has passed you by. Or in my case, you end up with a wrist on strike.

For the sake of my wrist, I'm going to behave and not play today.

Wonder how fast I can learn to play left-handed...

Sleepy Monday

2010-01-04T08:08:00.000-08:00

True story: I'm crazy tired. At this very minute, my eyelids are so heavy with sleep I can barely tell you my name. You know that song "Get Silly"? That's me...silly with sleep.

Yesterday, I took a nap somewhere around the end of the Vikings/Giants game and woke up during the second quarter of the Eagles/Cowboys game. *Sidebar: big ups to the Vikings and 'dem Boys on some nasty shut-outs.* Wasn't down too long...maybe 90 minutes. That must have done me in cuz I didn't hit the sheets until about 11:30 and my eyes didn't officially close until close to 1am.

My alarm went off at 6:20am for a 7am start to my day.

What's more- it's a Monday. The first real working day post holiday season.

This may be the worst day of the year.

Everyone is dragging in after staying up late, sleeping in and eating everything in sight over the last two weeks. No one really wants to be here and everyone is trying to "look" busy to survive. It's a game really, a sick game. Who can make it until (insert time you get off) PM? The clock is laughing at me. At least there's some light at the end of my tunnel. I have to teach a Kickboxing and Resistance Ball class from 12-1. Let's hope that perks me up.

Maybe I should get regular coffee instead of decaf.

Anyone else having a sleepy Monday?

Inhale...

2010-01-03T11:47:00.000-08:00

2010 has arrived.

Where did 2009 go?

I've spent some time reflecting on last year. All the things I've experienced, decisions I've made, and most important, what's to come.

2009 met me with challenges head on. I daily looked at myself in the mirror and questioned who I was, what I was doing, and why. I haven't felt this much discomfort since 2005 when I decided to leave my comfort zone of family and friends to try my hand at the real world. Up until last year, I think I was doing pretty well. But just as the sun rises and sets, everything doesn't go as planned.

I made some choices that led to tears, questions, my self esteem being lower than low, and plenty of sleepless nights. It's amazing how things change for the good and the bad and you have no idea they will affect you the way they do. It took a long time for me to come to a place where I could see the faint light at the end of the tunnel. The saying "weeping endures for a night, but joy comes in the morning" is an understatement for me. There were days when I felt joy was a pipe dream. Only good people have joy. I believed I wasn't a good person.

But, time heals all wounds.

Don't get it twisted-I'm still licking a few and nursing some bruises. Only they are not as severe as they were. Time has helped me deal with myself. Time has reminded me that life goes on. Time has taught me that not everyone is going to love you, like you, or the things you do. Time has reminded me that at the end of the day, what counts is how you respond to your circumstances. Time (along with good friends, family, and wine) have helped me cope with my emotions. And believe me, they needed it.

So what's on tap for 2010? Who's to say? I'm a person who likes to plan; knowing allows me prep for any speed bumps. God is constantly reminding me that that is NOT my job. It's HIS. So I'm learning to take everything as it comes. When the moment is over, it's over. No need to dwell on it. Keep focusing on the prize and and allow my steps to be ordered. My 2010 will be about controlling what I can and allowing Him to to the rest.

A few thank yous are deserved. To Sid: Thank you for listening endlessly and without judgement. You, of all people know me inside and out. For supporting me. For loving me. You are my sister for life.

To my Adam: thank you for your countless hours of counseling and advice. Even through your own trials and tribulations you found it not robbery to be there for me and mine. All my love until we're called to rest.

To my sister from another mother: thank you for laughs, late nights filled with wine, Nurse Jackie, and True Blood. You were helping me heal without even knowing it.

Finally, to the Magnificent: for your patience and support and I am forever grateful. When I was discouraged, confused and sad you reminded me that this was just a hurdle in the game of life. You helped me laugh and smile when I didn't think I could. Your perspective and insight was so valuable. From start to finish...just you and me.

In the words of my BFF, "banging the gavel in 2010!"

Breathing may get easier yet....

Oxygen Deprived

2009-12-29T14:30:00.001-08:00

My how time flies when you're having fun.

Or living life.

Life. It's a funny thing you know. Everyday is different, new, easy, challenging, happy, sad, tiring and uplifting. And yet, we move forward day by day living, learning, and basically trying to stay afloat.

I can honestly say I've been sitting at the bottom of the river for a long time.

Somehow, I've managed to make it to the surface and float. Not without swallowing a lot of water along the way. Painful.

But...I'm still here. Weak, tired, but spirit in tact in willing.

I admit, I have no idea how I got back to the surface. Must have had some good people praying for me. Whoever you are, I love you for that.

Not breathing easy, but no longer oxygen deprived.

Man Up(stairs)

2009-03-10T19:15:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine stepped to me with some "real life shit." He let me in on the fact that a young lady he'd been "kicking it" with was pregnant.

Hold the phone.

I'm not one to judge. Life sometimes gives you lemons and you have to find a way to make lemonade. But I will admit that I wasn't expecting him to say this.

This brother is a good dude. College-educated. Good values. Has all his teeth. Speaks clearly, and in complete sentences, may I add. Likes to have fun. Basically, just trying to live like the rest of us.

And now, in the midst of trying to get his life in order, he gets hit with this.

He told me he has no idea what to do. He's had a million thoughts in his head about what his next move should be. He wants to do what's right....even if that's right in the midst of him getting his game up to make moves.

So when he stepped to me and asked what I thought...for a split second, I was perplexed. I wanted to be sensitive to his situation, but be real with him at the same time. I told him that the Man Upstairs has a way of getting our attention when He wants it. Sometimes, life's most rewarding moments come from the most difficult experiences. At times, He's speaking to us and we aren't listening to Him; so instead we go with the counsel of friends or with our own reasoning. So when we do that, He lets us get to a place where we have no choice but to turn to Him for help. It is only when we're in the belly of the whale or the lion's den that we have no choice but to let Him order our steps.

I encouraged him to pray and be about the business of listening....really listening. His will will never take your farther than his grace will protect you.

I also told him he'd be a pretty cool dad...

My Muse

2009-03-10T18:52:00.000-07:00

"Inspiration comes in the strangest light"-Floetry

This quote 100% describes me at this very moment. Isn't it amazing how a sound, a smell, a song, or a person can have such a fierce impact on you? I find that fact quite fascinating.

Case in point:

My BFF is in town for the week. She happily (I hope) gave up her spring break to come spend time with me. Mind you, she left beautiful 82-degree North Carolina weather only to arrive in 36-degree, rainy/snowy New England. Her dog, our friends, and a very nice young man patiently await her arrival back on Saturday, but until then I have her all to myself. I can't begin to describe how good it feels to have her here; someone who knows me, feels me, can relate to the things I'm thinking and feeling. We're not doing anything out of the ordinary. Everything is as it would be if I were still down south. Dinners in, wine, conversation, music. Catching up on this and that, bouncing ideas off each other, giving feedback, and mainly just enjoying each other's company.

She is, in many ways, my muse. Talking with her inspires me to be the best woman I can be. I'm insanely proud of her and her accomplishments thus far in life and I know that she equally of me and mine. We often spoke of these times when we were younger, and now that we're older and watching it come to fruition, it's a sight to behold. We've come a long way from the timid freshman living in the same dorm, trying to figure out what life held for us to being women of the world.

Sometimes I find myself feeling inadequate in my surroundings. Not fitting in with my coworkers or surroundings, missing the sun on a daily basis, having someone to just vibe out with. It's not that I don't have people around me that I can do this with, but when it's done with someone who has notches on the belt it means so much more. I'm not rushing to move back south to be close to what's familiar to me; but I appreciate it so much more when I have it close to the chest. It keeps me grounded. I can express myself and not feel silly. To quote someone who got a glimpse of the excitement in my voice: "you seem more alive when she's around."

A good friend (a best friend to be exact) will do that to you...

Perspective

2009-01-22T12:01:00.000-08:00

It's amazing how perspective varies from person to person.

Take insecurity for example.

A person may not feel as though they are insecure, yet their actions may suggest otherwise. Example: saying you're OK with your boyfriend going out without you, then driving him crazy all night by texting/calling him. He can't enjoy himself and you are not acting as though you trust him.

But what happens on the rare occasion that someone is able to understand and acknowledge a person's perception of themselves-yet they can't? Someone believing they are not insecure and yet it's plain as day that they are?

I was talking to a good friend about this very topic this morning. He shared with me it's really about perspective. We conduct ourselves based on the way we think we are, not on the way it will be received by the external world. Events may take place and to one person it may seem like the worst thing ever, but to another, it's very surface level and "not that serious. "

Can you operate in a situation-work, relationship, marriage-like that? When people don't see eye to eye, does the situation have the strength to genuinely survive?

I think that's in the eye's of the beholder...

Inside my Frontal Lobe

2009-01-19T16:59:00.001-08:00

Life is funny.

As much as you may try to plan, prepare, and proceed sometimes things may not turn out the way you'd like.

So does that then suggest that we don't think, but act on impulse? Dealing with issues only from a "black and white" stand point and never feeling out the gray in between?

Or do we examine the gray and try to help those who sit only on one side understand why we are not swaying to either?

And what if they don't get it? What if the equation is always 2+2=4, no more discussion?

How then do you proceed to make the best decisions possible when it could end up leaving a party unhappy, confused and trying to understand what went wrong?

Do I add graduate school to my ever-growing plate of work, and a relationship-knowing that something may suffer as a result?

Or do I wait (as I have done) until my relationship is a little stronger to handle the extra, and potentially unexpected, stress of less free time, weekends spent writing papers, studying, working on projects, reading, research and more?

If I am told (as I have been) that I have the support of my SO to move forward with school, how can I do so feeling that because I already have many things abound in my life, our relationship won't crash and burn? That he won't feel resentment towards me because I can't give him the quality time he needs and deserves? That my personal life will be hanging by a thread because I chose to do something that I've always wanted to do?

My relationship is a want.

School is a want.

Work is a need (a sistah's gotta eat, pay bills, and buy gas for the Pinto).

How do I answer this question: 'With everything you have going on, do you really need to be in a relationship right now?"

I don't know how to assess a "want" as a "need".

How do I create and understanding of the emotional depth of my concerns when the surface level is all that's being discussed?

Do I bite the bullet and make an executive decision for both?

This is one of those moments when I wish I could put my emotions and care and concern for others to the side a bit more easily and just roll with it.

Sometimes, being a woman is hard.

At what point do I get to have it all (whatever that means)?

Starting Over Yet Again

2008-11-28T08:31:00.000-08:00

It's amazing to me how life gets in the way of your living sometimes. As much as I love my job, it has been taking over my life lately! Not to say that I don't love my job; I 100% do. It brings me a great deal of satisfaction doing what I do daily. But my responsibilities have grown. And when it's time to deliver, I do so with flying colors. Which results in the demand for the Addict to be a part of more projects, discussions, and trips to here and there.

Which is great! Nothing makes me happier than being a student of the game (i.e., my career) right now.

But little things get put to the sides as a result. And I'm having some trouble with the balance. Things like my relationship, my quiet time, my blogging are all taking a hit as a result of this new direction in my life. As I have a four-day weekend, I plan to vent many frustrations and catch up with all I've missed in the blog world. I also plan to do some real thinking and clearing my head. I didn't head to home for the holiday weekend (plane tickets are still astronomical) so it's just me, my apartment, a few good books, and some Law & Order marathons to keep me company. That and the idea of eating leftover turkey day goodies makes me warm and fuzzy inside.

I'm hoping to gain some of my sanity back this weekend. It's been aloof for quite some time now. Wish me luck.

Big, Fat Loser!

2008-10-11T09:30:00.000-07:00

Yep, that's me. Been giving my whole life to my job and not nearly enough to my blog. When I was able to do this regularly, it was an essential part of my work/life balance. Now that I've been away for so long, I realize how much I truly miss it and connecting with the blogfam. I've made a promise to myself to make time to blog at least twice a week through the end of 2008. I think I can handle that : )

To quote NE-YO: "I guess you know you've made it when they start talking about you, right?" I'm not being talked about (at least to my face), but I've certainly been given more responsibility and job tasks at work. At the end of the day, it's all I can do to stay awake. I just want to drink wine and sleep. I know, I know- I need a better life.

So...what's been up? How are we feeling about the economy, politics, Sarah Palin, NFL, and more??

Morning Glory

2008-09-15T03:40:00.000-07:00

I'm so NOT a morning person.

I decided that I would use this as an opportunity to vent how much I despise getting up early. I had to open at work today. Opening for us is 6am; which means I have to get up at 5, be out the door by 5:20 to arrive at work by 5:50.

Who really gets up that early? I'm not even awake yet. I'm operating strictly on auto pilot at that hour.

Morning people trouble me; they're all excited, awake, and happy. I love peace and quiet in the mornings; no noise, talking, or a lot of movement for that matter.

The sick part is, on the days I'm up this early, I'm highly productive at work. Not that I'm not on other days, but I especially notice it the days I have to be in early. Ain't that a B?

OK-vent session over. Thanks for listening.

Happy Monday!

The Latest Addictions-Pt 2

2008-09-14T12:08:00.000-07:00

OK kids! I'm back; and figuring that a new list of my latest addictions are in order. Here we go:

Pistachios-OMG. Don't know when it started. I think I was at the cafe one day at work; I had my mouth sot (yes, sot) and ready for some cashews, and they were out. I settled for pistachios instead, and the rest is history.

Lemon-water- I find that I don't want to drink my water without a wedge of lemon in it. Maybe it was the summer; you know the whole citrus, fruity vibe summer brings, I'm not sure, but now I'm obsessed and will have it no other way.

Fantasy football- I was a FF virgin until last year. I played my first season, and made it all the way to the playoffs. This year, I was so obsessed with playing that when I found out I wouldn't be able to make my draft, I recruited someone to sit in for me. Not that it mattered; I had the 10th pick. I didn't come out too bad; I got some pretty good folks on my squad. I'll keep you posted on my progress.

My (soon-to-be new)hair color- Now- I must say that back in the day, I was pretty regular with keeping my hair colored. I'm naturally black, but in the summer my hair lightens in the sun. In college, I used to jump on that and add a little color. I find myself drawn towards red/auburn/copper-like colors. I'm extremely fair-skinned and those colors work well with my complexion. I'm also very artsy; I like different, new, "raised-eyebrow" styles so to speak. I'm thinking about doing the just the top half in a reddish copper, and keeping the back my natural color. Pics to follow soon!!!

Graduate school- It's always been a personal dream of mine to get my master's degree. Here lately, it's all I can think about. I'm in the process of looking at programs, deciding on my top 10 schools to apply to, and saving $$ for those application fees (cuz they are no joke!). I have big dreams of going abroad and teaching during school. I know it's going to be hella work, but I'm crazy excited!

My alma mata- Nestled in the sleepy town of Greenville, NC is the upstanding East Carolina University, home of the Pirates!! So far, my boys are having a killer season. We're 3-0 and recently acquired a national ranking! Is there a BCS bowl in our future? We haven't had a season start like this since my freshman year in '99. I'm a fan whether we win or lose, but I'll take the W any day of the week. Check them out: http://www.ecu.edu/ (pirate athletics). It's all about the Pirate Nation, baby! GO PIRATES!!!

Bob Sanders-Yeah...he just does it for me. The defensive back/safety for the Indianapolis Colts is my guy. I just dig his style, and love how he leaves his mark on the field in every game.

As of now, this rounds me out. I'm sure there's more, but that's just another excuse to blog right?

When it Rains...

2008-09-07T16:49:00.000-07:00

...it pours.

Before LD weekend, I got a call from my mother. Sidebar: she lives below the Mason Dixon, and I'm all the way in New England. Needless to say, I dread the day the phone rings, and I'm not greeted with positive news. Back to the story: She informs me that during a routine mammogram, they come across something. Suspicion leads the specialist to believe that its nothing more than a calcium deposit, but just to be safe film is passed on for a second opinion. Come to find out, it's actually a mass that will require immediate removal. She (Mom dukes) sees the surgeon on Thursday of the same week and he wants to get her in a bed immediately. One problem: there are no beds available. She waits until Monday, and is able to get in, have the mass removed and sent away for biopsy and testing. Turns out, it's benign.

Score: Man Upstairs-1, Other guy-0

Following the surgery, I receive a phone call at work that my mother has just had a seizure sitting in the living room of my grandmother's house in front my my family. Yeah, I said seizure. No, she's not epileptic, but she has been experiencing these seizures all summer. Here's the catch; most people who have seizures know they are having or have had one. My mom doesn't know she's having one, can't hear you speak to her during it, and has no signs that one is coming on. While that might not seem all that crazy, the first 3 seizures she had occurred while she was driving. Had someone not been in the car with her....we won't go there. Luckily, she has a passenger when she ran the red light, stop sign and intersection because she was seizing when it happened. And everyone survived.

Turns out, she has something called Petite Mal or Silent Seizures. Instead of the shaking, eye-rolling, teeth-grinding episodes that people who suffer Grand Mal seizures experience, she experiences episodes where she looks like she's sleeping with her eyes open. She can't hear you calling her name. She makes a noise as if she's humming. She may slump over, and blink a lot. And when it's over, she's just as alert as can be. She's thinking that time is where it was 20 seconds earlier, only it's not.

You can imagine how scared I was when my aunt leaves this message on my voicemail at work: "Hey, it's Aunt Ash. Your mom just had a seizure, and I'm taking her to the doctor right now. Call you when we know more."

WTF?

Luckily, her seizures can be controlled by medication, and as long as she stays consistent she should be fine. Her neurologist (who is fantastic by the way) says that she shouldn't have to limit any of her normal activities of daily living.

Advantage: Man Upstairs

In addition to all this, my mother also has a small tumor on her brain. It's currently benign; but inoperable. It's called a menigioma (tumor of the meninges). Basically, it's right on the surface of her gray matter, and they can't risk going in to remove it without doing damage to her frontal lobe.

Crazy.

Needless to say, I'm keeping the faith. I understand that when it rains it pours, but then again, nothing grows without a little rain right?

My faith is growing every day...

Stop #2-Charlotte, NC (my home!)

2008-08-28T10:31:00.000-07:00

Here it is! The second update from my summer travel extravaganza c/o the mouse.

So, after a losing my Vegas Virginity and learning some new ways to step my workout/teaching game up, I headed to Charlotte for some southern hospitality mixed with work. My job has offices there, and I had been recruited to do some presentations for my fellow coworkers. I couldn't have been happier; I get to head home for work! My mother was thrilled; she was planning things for us to do before I even arrived.

As an only child, I can imagine she gets lonely not having me in the house any more. There was a period where my mom went through huge separation anxiety, but that has long passed. Now she's just happy when I tell her I'm coming home.

So, during my week, I worked and played. I would work during the day, head back to the hotel to check my email, then head out to dinner for some down-time and cocktails with fellow workmates. On the days I didn't have to be in until later, I'd head home and spend time with my mom, grandmother, and uncle. My grandmother made a meal one evening; oh man. Talk about the spread. Ribs, green beans, potato salad, homemade biscuits...and lemon and blueberry pie!. I was stuffed and happy. Definitely can't get that living in New England! I was in heaven.

The remainder of the week brought visits with old friends, a night of Mexican food and margaritas, and some much-needed chill time with my family. I flew back to CT feeling good about my two weeks. Yeah, it was non-stop, no time to think, always on the go, but then it wouldn't be my life if it were any other way.

All in all- I can't complain. Good times were had by the Addict all around :)

Entitlement

2008-08-24T18:12:00.000-07:00

OK- it's official! My life has calmed down enough for me to be able to blog regularly again! I miss my blogfam terribly. Hopefully 68 hasn't replaced me; we have much sports talk to catch up on my friend. Get ready!

I know I promised the second update from my summer adventures and it will come; but I wanted to blog about something I was having conversation about today.

In relationships, once you have become comfortable with your significant other, their space and such, often the need for certain "formalities" goes out the window. Calling before you come over, asking permission to get something to drink, showering, even doing laundry. Long gone are the days of timid requests and cute questioning to be able to take advantage of that which you don't have. It's what I like to call "a sense of entitlement." You begin to feel that "what's mine is yours/yours is mine" mentality and assume that the other person has too.

But what if one person never had that entitlement sense to begin with? Not having it as in, they ask before they do anything. They assume nothing. They may know they don't have to call before they come over but they do anyway. Why? Out of a sense of respect for the other person's space. Not wanting to overstep boundaries. Making sure the other understands that all is appreciated and not taken for granted.

In relationships, is the feeling of entitlement OK? And if so, how far does it go? Are you allowed to say certain things, ask certain questions, or not say/do certain under the assumption that it's OK because you hold special privileges? Just because you have keys to your SO's house does that mean you can show up any time you want? I don't; I always call before I come over. And, I'll admit that I have access to the SO's spot.

I'm not wired to have this; I never have been. I was raised to ask, say please, never assume, and be appreciative of everything because nothing was or is owed to me. My best friend says that if you gave me dirt wrapped as a gift, I would open it and say "aww, this is the best dirt in the world!"

Should I feel bad that I'm not that way?

Stop #1-Vegas

2008-08-06T17:26:00.000-07:00

I promised to give an update.

Here it is.

So...stop #1 was Vegas, baby! I have to admit, I was geeked. I was a certified Vegas virgin and the thought of heading to sin city for a little fun in the sun (literally) intrigued me slightly. I didn't know what to expect. I've only been to the left coast twice in my 2? years on this earth. Both were to Cali so I was eager to have my "what happens in Vegas" experience.

Admittidly, it didn't quite happen like that.

I'll remind you that I was there for a fitness convention. For those of you who care, this is the mother of all conventions. Some of the biggest names in the industy show up these events. Every one from equipment companies and music organizations, to clothing and shoe vendors come to peddal their wares. It's a love nest for a fitness freak such as yours truly. I was in heaven.

Each day I had specfic classes that I had registered for prior to coming. Mind you, these are not all "sit down" classes. These are master versions of what you see in your everyday gyms/clubs. For example, I registered for a spin class one morning. Most spin classes run 60 minutes or so. Not ours. This is a room with 65 bikes and every single person on a bike is a fitness professional of some sort. So of course our instructors are more insane than we are. Wrap your mind around this: 6:40am (Vegas time) we're in this huge room with 65 people getting ready for a 90 minute spin class! Out of control. But we do it. The lights get dimmed, the music gets pumped and we start rolling. It's hot, sweaty and the bike seat is getting in my ass, but I love it. It's a sick obsession. I pedal like it's the last class I'll ever take. When it's all said and done, I'm dripping, probably 3-5lb lighter than I was when I started, and wearing a satified smile. I know, I know. I need help.

From there, I immediately grab my bag, and head off to a master kickboxing class. Yes, you heard right, kickboxing. This is my true love- if I could only teach one class the rest of my life, it would be this. Nothing gets me in the zone like this class. My master class was two hours long. We spent the first 25 minutes going over the basics; kicks, punches, blocks and a few combos. We spent the remaining 80 minutes actually kickboxing!! It was insane to say the least. I was dead tired, but I couldn't let the other folks around me defeat me. The mental influence is enough to keep you going for a solid 30 minutes. Every time I wanted to stop and sit down, I'd grab some water and get back in. Another 2-3lbs later, I was sweaty, happy I'd gained some new material to take back to my job and was off to my next class.

That was my life from Tuesday to Friday.

Back to back. Muscle definition classes. Stretcch classes. Pilates. Bosu clinics. Learning new equipment. Even in classes where we could sit and take notes, there would be 2-3 pieces of equipment for us to use in stages. We would work out, run to the side and grab our notepads to scribble down what we learned, throw back some water and then jump back in.

My body was so sore and tired at the end of every day I could barely make it to dinner.

I loved every minute of it.

It's official; I'm addicted.

Up next, stop#2---the QC aka-Charlotte, NC...aka...home of the Addict!

Home, Sweet Home

2008-07-27T16:26:00.000-07:00

So when your job says put your traveling pants on, you don't ask questions. You put them on and go.

That's been my story since July 7. As of today, I have only been in my apartment 8 days in the month of July.

Out of control.

I miss blogging terribly and have needed it, but the demands on my life have been such that I haven't had time (or energy) to focus my thoughts and communicate them properly.

The update is coming...I know I owe you. Vegas, Charlotte, then back to NC (Greensboro) for a wedding. This entire month has been spent on a plane, living out of my suitcase, checking in and out of hotels, eating out, working out, networking, drinking, and very little sleep.

I'm so happy to be able to sleep in my own bed; much like a crackhead when they have gotten their most recent high.

More to come!

Vegas, Baby!!

2008-07-10T16:46:00.000-07:00

(Ok- this post was supposed to be up Monday, July 7. Pretend it's that day and enjoy!)

That's right!!! I'm off to Vegas! An addicts paradise, if you will. The lights, the sounds...I get excited just thinking about it!!

My real reason for going is for work. There is a fitness convention I'm attending and low and behold---this year's destination was Vegas! Don't get it twisted; I will be getting my cardiovascular on during the day as well as a few classes for my professional development. But you better believe that when night falls, I'm on the prowl. I'm a night owl any way, so I'm looking forward to having new things to stimulate my mind...

In addition to the convention, some other folks from work will be out there for various reasons; the mother of events for extreme sports will be making it's debut shortly so we have hella folks preparing for that. I also found out that one of my homegirls is out there covering poker and she told me she could get me in some parties!! Hello...? Partying with ballers who play poker? Where do I sign? Not sure what I'm in for, but it's all about the experience. Nobody parties like we do. (For those of you who don't know who we is....trust. We gets down for ours.)

The real kicker to all this is that at the end of my Vegas adventure, I'm headed home!!! Again for work, but we have offices in the QC as well. I'm there for a week, so I'll be sure to update you on my adventures. Dorothy said it...there's no place like home. And to top it off, I'm living on the mouse (Mickey, that is) for the next 2 weeks. I love my job.

That's the latest and the greatest with the me. Stay tuned!

The Poll Question: Can Men and Women Truly be Platonic Without Attraction?

2008-07-10T16:05:00.000-07:00

Well, can they?

The results:

7 said Absolutely.
9 thought Hell Naw!
5 voted Perhaps...

It's a question I often ask because I find the subject extremely thought-provoking. Not only the yes/no argument, but which gender responds on what side of the agument and why tickles my pickle even more.

*For those of you that voted, please stop by and comment as to why you took the stance you did. I'm very interested in your thoughts!!!!

Now, as far as the Addict is concerned, my vote is a combination of the "perhaps/hell naw" category.
I (want to) believe that men and women can be platonic; maintaining relationships with the opposite sex can be tricky. I have male friends with whom I hang out. We may grab drink, or catch dinner, and when it's over, it's over. I also have male friends of which I don't have their phone number, nor they mine. If I see them out, then it's all love, but neither party is pressed to be up under the other. I think the grey area (the "perhaps" end of my vote if you will) comes when there could be or is attraction on one or both parts. This takes away from the platonic nature of the relationship. Folks may not act on that attraction in fear of ruining the friendship so they keep quiet and keep their good thing. Or they may decide to put it out there and see what happens. What then?

The situation gets sticky-icky-icky when one/both parties have significant others but that's another post all together.

Now...for the "hell naw" side of my argument.

I once had a very good male friend (whom I will say that I was attracted to, but nothing ever came of it and now he's married) tell me that "no man is friends with a woman he isn't attracted to." He went on to say that men befriend women they find attractive purposely. This is in hopes that if something ever develops, it's not a question of attraction; just a question of how to proceed once it's out there.

So...if a man befriends a woman he's attracted to, are his actions truly genuine or is he just buying his time to fulfill alterior motives??? And what if she's not attracted to him? Is he just content living in his fantasy of what could be?? Fellas, don't think I'm just harping on you; this argument goes for women who befriend men they find titilating as well. In this case, I might lean more towards hell naw; if this is the case, if you're feeling froggy, leap! Might be a winner!

No Internet!!?!

2008-07-10T15:52:00.000-07:00

So...I'm traveling for work and the internet in my room is not working!!! They sent a tech up to try to fix it. He took one look at it (my computer and the connection) and promptly informed me that there was nothing he could do for me. WTF???

I'll spare the name of the hotel so as not to sway innocent minds, but you would think that a hotel of this quality would be able to manage repairing a simple internet connection. Apparently not.

Any way...lucky for you, I drafted several posts before I traveled. My plan was to post them upon my arrival and during the week. We all see how that worked out.

Stay tuned...post #1 to follow shortly.

Hope you guys are well!

Thought-Provoking Question

2008-07-06T16:11:00.000-07:00

Isn't it funny how we know there is something we should/need to do but instead of pulling the weeds from the flower bed, we water the whole bed hoping the weeds will die on their own?

Thoughts?

Life Isn't but a Dream...

2008-06-29T12:40:00.000-07:00

You ever wonder if one day you're going to wake up and find out that it was all a dream? That all the crazy, bad, random things about your life never happened? Wouldn't that be awesome? To just have a clean slate?

If you could have it, would you really want it?

I can honestly say that I wouldn't.

I'll be the first to say that everything about my life is not picture perfect. I have said and done things I would love to take back. I often look back on things in my life and wonder how I'm not dead, or how I managed to wiggle out of certain situations. There have been times I thought "why didn't someone slap me?" for doing some stupid ish. None the less, the great lesson in all this is that if it had not been for my life's experiences, I wouldn't be the woman I am today.

Experience is a great teacher-good or bad. We either find out the hard way or make a smooth landing. Either way, we learn from all things and use them to build the foundation for future endeavors. You only have to get burned once to know the fire is hot. But after you've been burned, you figure out what you need to do to not let it happen again. Life is funny like that.

So...if you could take it all back to do it again the right way, would you? Or would be proud of your the wounds you got during battle to be able to stand up and say "I persevered"?

Checking In

2008-06-24T11:30:00.001-07:00

Wow...I feel like I haven't been around in a minute!! I miss everyone!!! I've had lots going on (good and bad) so I'll be sure to take some time to catch everyone up on the addict's latest trysts :)

How's everyone doing?

Who Am I?

2008-06-14T20:20:00.000-07:00

Who am I?

I'm a woman.
Not perfect.
Hardworking.

I'm a woman.
Ever growing.
Always learning.

I'm a woman.
Cherishes family.
Adores friends.

I'm a woman.
Forever strong,
fight til the end.

I'm a woman.
A natural comforter.
A warm embrace.

I'm a woman.
Feel my love,
see my grace.

I'm a woman.
Standing tall!
Walking proud!

I'm a woman.
Independent.
Don't need the crowd.

I'm a woman.
Fearing God,
needing His care.

I'm a woman.
Praying daily,
knowing He's there.

I'm a woman.
Stressing out,
going through.

I'm a woman.
in need of love,
tried and true.

I'm a woman.
southern born,
southern raised;

I'm a woman
pressing on,
finding my way.

I'm a woman.
Strong in heart,
strong in mind.

I'm a woman.
A magnificent creature,
One of a kind.

"Jesus-Freak"

2008-06-10T18:42:00.000-07:00

" The biggest freaks are church girls. If you want a freak, don't go to tha club, go to church. The same girls who would be sweatin' out their perms in the club on Saturday night would be the same chicks in church six hours later."
~j.hudson

So what do you think? Are all church girls freaks? Is the adage true? Is the pastor's daughter getting busy in a Sunday school room during choir rehearsal? Having this conversation as I was driving home from T.G.I. Friday's to watch the game tonight (I'm on the Celtics Bandwagon since my Bobcats were horrible this year), it got me thinking. Growing up, I was what you would call a "church girl". I was there every Sunday. I sang in the choir, I was a junior usher, an acolyte, leader of my youth group, and once I got of age, I even taught the younger kids in VBS (that's Vacation Bible School- don't act like you don't know).

But...I wasn't the girl that the guys wanted. I wasn't the "Jesus-Freak". I was always "the guy's girl". They may have thought I was pretty or cute, but no one ever tried to lure me to the back for some naughty behavior. I was the girl they always wanted to be on their kickball or dodge ball team, or the one they used to get to other girls. Lol...I will say that I did go to church with some girls who got the side-eye (Diva & Ms. Behaving, I'm borrowing your words). The ones that always sat in the back row and had the attention of the guys. They were always the "pretty girls". But was it because secretly, they were an easier nut to crack? The Bible says the Lord loves a cheerful giver...

Let me stop ; P

Seriously-I'd say that as I've gotten older I've heard rumors and seen women in church do some things that would make one raise an eyebrow. Wearing certain clothes, showing a bit more cleavage than necessary, even sitting so they can be in plain view of someone specific. They have to know what they are doing. Last I checked, that wasn't in the definition of a virtuous woman. But what about the women who are perfectly put together? Underneath the pumps and pearls, hats and handbags, are there women who go home an pull out the whip and the swing for some praise and worship?

Thoughts? Get at me in the comments.

Makes me Wanna Holler!

2008-06-09T03:51:00.000-07:00

OK...my mind is boggled.

This morning on my way to work (at 5:20AM), I was minding my own, driving down the street. I happened to look in my rear view mirror and noticed a cop following me. Now, I'm not one to think "oh hell, what now?" I tend to have a more aggressive, "mess with me if you want" attitude towards cops. Men, especially cops in my experience, sometimes don't expect a woman to speak up or know her stuff. Not this little yellow girl...I come ready-guns blazin'.

So anyway, we're driving and he pulls into the lane next to me as we approach a stop light at an intersection. I come to a complete stop, but the cop does not. In fact, he does the casual drive right up to the pedestrian walk and then, without putting on his sirens, runs the light!?! WTF??? Now granted, there was not other traffic around except me, but if I had pulled that mess, he would have had my tags run before I could say my name. There was no emergency; the ambulance and fire departments were no where in sight. He just ran the light for no reason other than he could 'cause he's got a badge. As he passed by, he gave me the "yeah, that's right" look; kinda smug and sarcastic.

Stuff like that just makes my teeth wiggle!! I despise seeing our law enforcement-the folks who are supposed to uphold the law and set the example and standard-violate it. I know they have special rights and privileges, but sometimes they just take them too far. Like I said, had that been me, it would have been a serious matter.

Oh well, whatcha gonna do?

I Blog Because...

2008-06-07T17:42:00.000-07:00

Peace.

Since joining the blog world in '07, it's been amazing to watch the process evolve. What's been more amazing is how I look forward to writing and reading other blogs. I'm not in deep yet, but I feel like I have a my steady blogfam that I check out regularly. I enjoy reading about the daily adventures of others; let's me know I'm not alone in my endeavors. Blogging gives me a an out, a release from the day-to-day life. It's my emotional exercise. Definitely making good use of the first amendment.

It was brought to my attention by someone close to me that it was good I had a "non work related" activity in my life. I had to stop and think about that for a sec.

My whole life revolves around work or things that have to do with work. Who I hang out with, how I use my free time, where I live. I love to work out and be active, but that is what I get paid to do everyday. I'm at the stage in my life where I enjoy work; I'm not married, I don't have children so I can give more of my time to my job and what it requires of me. There are times I'll work 12-hour days and yes I'm tired, but I don't mind. I believe that when my life stage changes (i.e., I get married, have kids, relocation) then I'll adjust my activities to boot.

My job has a very "college" feel about it. We party together, play together, sleep together (literally and figuratively), travel together and so on. It's the nature of our business. You can always tell when we are holding a spot down by the identifying stickers on our cars. You gotta love it.

Getting back to my point, I to am glad that I was introduced to the blog world. I love the ability to express myself and diversify my portfolio (for you B!) and have very much been able to do so through my blog. For those who check out my spot, thanks for the love. I plan to to keep this a part of my world until further notice.

I'm Addicted...again.

2008-06-05T16:54:00.000-07:00

Peace everyone.

Isn't it funny how we attach ourselves to things? I find that I cycle through "moments" of certain things that I can't live without. I wrote a similar post a while back and while many of those still hold a high place in my life, I've recently added a few things. It's a good thing I really don't do drugs...I'd be in a terrible place otherwise. I've got such an addictive personality; hence the name.

Here you go---the latest addictions:

*Vitamin Water- I don't know how or when. One day, I had one and then I couldn't live without them. My goal was to have every flavor made. At Stop-N-Shop (our local grocery chain) they run deals where you can get 10 Vitamin Waters for $10!!! I was in heaven. Favorite flavors to date: Formula 50 (gotta support his business ventures), XXX (Sex in the City brand), Defense, and Energy. Vitamin Water-try it.

*Asparagus- Really? Yes! It's so wonderful! Clearly, it's the new broccoli. Grilled, steamed, sauteed I am in love. I order it every chance I get. For those of you who have...digestive side effects, be mindful. While wonderful and good for you, it may give you a healthy dose of flatulence to boot.

*Tiffany & Co.- OK. I know this one may seem a bit off the map, but over the last year, I've developed a special fondness for that little blue box. What woman doesn't love it? I'm not dripping with jewelry (I only have 3 pieces to date), but what it represents is timeless. Class, elegance, the finer things in life. Tiffany's has only been sung about, featured in movies (Sweet Home Alabama!!) and be documented a few hundred times. I'd say that makes it a strong candidate on my list. That...and I wouldn't mind adding a few more boxes to my collection.

*Water w/ Lemon- My new obsession. I live for Lemon-water. Something about it...it's refreshing, light, and if you add Splenda, you can make lemonade. I know, I know, it's hood, but true.

*Raspberry and Pomegranate Martinis- Love them! Perfect summer beverage. Fruity, feminine and fierce. Next to diamonds, a martini is a girl's best friend.

*Pedicures- I am that chick--if I'm stepping out and my toes are going to be out, then they have to be on point. In the winter, I get them less frequently, but in the summer they are subject to regular treatment at least once a month. Gotta keep my game tight ya heard?

*Trendy bags- You can never go wrong in this area. A great bag can totally make an outfit. My most recent purchase-and Ed Hardy tote-is my latest addition. I won't tell you how much I paid for it...just know it was worth it.

*Kickboxing- My refuge, my stress-reliever, my passion. Of all the classes I teach and all the fitness outlets I'm certified in Kickboxing is my favorite. I currently teach it twice a week and I LOVE IT! There's nothing better than getting out all the pent up energy of my day and motivating the folks that take my classes and kicking their butts. It's my release; I'm 100% in the zone when I teach this class. My students say I "hulk out" then come back down when class is over. I don't make it easy; they work hard and get a hellified workout in the process. One of the few times I'll pop my own collar; I'm a damn good instructor.

I try to keep my addictions in check. So far, so good...

Sleepless in...

2008-06-04T14:02:00.000-07:00

*Have you ever been up so long that when it's time for you to sleep you just can't?

That was me yesterday.

I woke up at 4am to pack for a trip. I typically get up at 5am on days I have to open so the fact that I was up a full 60 minutes earlier was a stretch. I got packed, got my stuff together for work and was out the door by 5:20 and at work by 5:50. Have I mentioned that this was all AM? I am NOT a morning person by any means.

I arrived at work with 10 minutes to get things going before a 6am meeting, followed by a 7am training session. With that out the way, I proceeded to get my workout in since I would lose the opportunity later in my day to do so. One sweaty hour and 10 minutes later, I'm headed to shower and dress for a department meeting. That takes me through the next 2 hours and at noon, I'm back prepared to teach classes (Intervelocity and Pilates) for the next 2 hours. At 2:15 (we're now in the PM) I have my final training session of the day. I wrap up my life by 3:15 and jump right into the ride for a 3 1/2 hour trip to Dirty Jerz. At 8:00 I'm putting my stuff down and ready to grub. I'm so tired at this point I don't even know my name. But I muster up the strength to enjoy my evening. By the time I'm full and back to the hotel, it's around 10 and I need toothpicks to hold my eyelids open. Do I crawl into bed and pass out? Not quite. Silly me--I put on my pj's and get into bed...with my laptop. I spend the next 90 minutes doing work. What? I'm clearly delirious at this point; running completely on fumes. I do some Facebooking, blog-browse and finally shut down my computer around 1AM.

Now--I should be dead at this point, but I've been up so long I can't even sleep. My second wind had kicked in and I was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. I ordered two Lemon Drop martini's to help me unwind, but the silly fools sent me regulars instead. Now I'm a solider, but not a general. The were so strong; I had to let them be. I was pissed. How do you eff up a martini?

So...I did what any normal person would do: at 1:30AM I turned my TV to ESPN and let the sweet sounds of Sportscenter lull me away. I don't remember what time I drifted off, I just know that I woke up around and the sun was up.

Ain't that a B?

*a random rant by the Addict

Random: Pt. 2

2008-05-25T13:15:00.000-07:00

Peace everyone.

I've decided to revisit my "Random" post a second time around. This time, I have some things that are a bit more thought provoking. The idea is to add my own rationale behind the various topics. Some of these are quite random, but I hope you find it an interesting read. Who knows? It may be good enough for Sixty-eight to jack again...

-Who's the bigger player: Bill Clinton or JFK?

*JFK without question. Actually, both were in their own way, but you can tell a true playa by the company he keeps. Bill is married to Hillary; while she's smart, she's a bit homely. JFK married Jakie O...the Diva of all Divas! She was a debutant with killer shades and was always ready for the runway. Bill kept it close with Gennifer Flowers and Monica Lewinsky. JFK ran around with Angie Dickinson and Marilyn Monroe. If you're gonna do it, do it like you're doing it for TV. Need I say more?

-NCAA or NBA?

*NCAA all day. Way more heart in the game before the contracts and endorsements. I'll make an exception for the NBA playoffs and finals though. Sometimes, regular season games look like practice made for TV. It's not until the playoffs and finals that the superheros come out.

-Tony Montanna or Toni Morrison?

*Tony Montanna is definitely an icon in his own right. Who can forget all the infamous lines? But Toni Morrison, is timeless. She wrote one of the greatest novels (Their Eyes Were Watching God) in under two months!! If you don't know, educate yourself.

-Cigarettes or Cigars?

*Cigars all day. Cigarettes just don't create the vibe that cigars do. Think about it: cigars give off that classy, suave, upstanding vibe. They have been said to represent the finer things in life; wealth, success, power. The process it takes to make a high quality cigar can metaphor life in some ways. It takes time, effort, hard work to accomplish something of great quality that you can be proud of. And they smell good! I don't hear anyone complimenting the smell of a Newport or a Virginia Slim.

-Kobe or LeBron?

*This one I find interesting...I'll leave this one open for discussion. Be sure to get at me in the comments!

-The beach or the mountains?

*The beach!!! OK- both present the opportunity for seclusion, being closer with nature and peace, but something about the beach just does it for me. Seeing the sun rise, hearing the waves crash, seeing how wide and never-ending the ocean is...wow. It does something to your spirit...bring a level of peace you can't find anywhere else. Where do I sign?

Got a few more, but I'll save that for another post...

*Sixty-eight: holla at me. Would love your input on a part 3...or a new line-up altogether.

Random

2008-05-20T05:11:00.000-07:00

I had the urge to blog, but nothing in particular to write about. How's that for an oxymoron?

I think this is one of those times where I'm just going to write about random things I think about and wonder if anyone else does too. Here goes...

Why do people not use their turn signals correctly? They just drive, slow down, turn and expect us to know that's what they are going to do. That really irks me to no end.

Why do white people feel the need to hook up the only two black people they know?

I watched a young lady buy a $319 pair of jeans the other day. Would you?

Don't you hate it when you see someone, and you know they see you but try to act like they don't?

Does anyone besides me miss Inspector Gadget? Martin? New York Undercover?

Did anyone (besides me) eat Bonkers when they were a kid?? Man, I used to love those things!

Are you going green? It's all the rage right now.

It cost me $47 to fill up my Toyota Corolla last week. That's a problem.

Why is it that people often won't do in return what you are willing to do for them without question?

Did Jay & B really get married?

How come our audio is often not linked up with our video? (In other words, why do we say one thing and do another?)

Do you ever wonder if people speaking another language are really talking about you?

Charlie Murphy once said on an episode of Dave Chapelle, "even when slapping was fashionable..." Was slapping ever fashionable?

Do you love like it's never going to hurt...even when it does?

Growing Pains

2008-05-11T14:20:00.000-07:00

Peace everyone.

In more ways than one, I can see the growth in myself since the beginning of '08. It's amazing how things in life change. That which used to seem so important becomes so trivial. The things I used to stress about I now look back on and laugh. As we mature, so do our actions, thoughts, and perspectives on life. We move away from the "little girl/boy" way of thinking and evolve into a new, more well-rounded version of our self It's funny; our personalities are pretty much developed and determined by the time we're 3 or 4. It's the way we allow the world to shape us that brings about change. To the core, we are who we are. We don't change. We simply create new behaviors to replace old ones. It's like being hooked on drugs---when you decide to quit, you've created a new behavior. For some, the old behavior never really gets replaced and they revert back. For others, the new behavior takes over and what was no longer has a place.

It's much the same with growth. When we allow ourselves to "grow up", we shy away from the things that we have been doing because they are comfortable or allowing others to make decisions for us. We begin to take ownership over our mistakes and (to take it a step further) recognize how that very decision may not have been the best thing. Not only that, but when we take the time to think how our actions will affect others (either before or after it has taken place)we create an opportunity for growth without really knowing it.

Many times, we may find ourselves in a position that leaves us wondering what to do next, or where do I go from here? It's in these moments, when we seek to find the answer and do, that we are truly growing. It's not until after the moment has passed and we look back do we see our accomplishments in 20/20. These are some of the most profound moments in our lives. Not only that, but when others notice it, the moment is that much sweeter.

Just a little tidbit from the things I learned during my blog hiatus :)

Be Blessed.

In My Mind

2008-04-21T08:37:00.000-07:00

Peace everyone.

As an addendum to my previous post, I've decided to add this draft of a post that never made it to the light of day. Just a little insight to some of what I was experiencing during my time away. This post is titled "Is This the Way Love Feels?" All comments/thoughts/feedback welcome.

Is This the Way Love Feels?

Wow...I just looked at the date of my last post and it said Jan. 23rd. Way too long away; my apologies to those who stop by on occasion to check me out.

Now, on to business.

The title of this blog is actually the name of a song on Chrisette Michele's debut CD, "I Am." It describes my thoughts perfectly. Over the past 2 months or so, I've been on a roller coaster with things in my relationship. Somehow, it went from being healthy and fun, to too serious for words.

Literally.

Innocent conversations and questions prelude uncomfortable sighs and silences coupled with thoughts of "what's he thinking?", or "did I upset her?". Now, nothing is fair game without repercussions.

I'm a women; older (beyond 25), working on becoming established, refined (0r so I like to think), intelligent, and fairly easy on the eyes. As I have matured, so has my thought process. But are my thoughts ahead of the game? Am I taking things too seriously? When issues are put on the table, my head immediately begins to swim with questions. I have, on many occasions, been known to counter with a reply of ideas my SO "just hadn't thought about." Things that are are "not that serious" to him are "big deals to me". And because it is this way, now, there is no enjoyment in going out, spending time, savoring the moment(s). I was told that lately, good times weren't had by all when we hang. That it's a strain for us to enjoy ourselves without someone getting testy (is that how you spell it?) or topics of discussion turning too serious. It was brought to my attention that the quality time may not be sufficient enough and a few other things. And all this time, I thought I was doing something right.

Background: we've been together just under a year. My job requires me to give 100% all day, everyday, and his is the opposite. When I get off work, yes I'm tired, but not too tired to engage in conversation or enjoy dinner out. His day is quiet, seated, and low key. By the time he gets off, he's ready to hit the ground running. And while I'm not opposed to that, I just need some time when I am done working to disconnect from all the people, music, activity, and demands of my job. Am I tired? Hell yes. To tired to cuddle? Not at all.

So, my question is this: Are we wasting our time? Do we just cut our losses and say it was fun while it lasted?

Back from my most recent trip to rehab...

2008-04-21T00:24:00.000-07:00

Peace everyone.

So....I'm back.

As I'm sure those who occasionally check my blog can see, it's been eons since my last post. I guess you could say I've been on... sabbatical? Hiatus? Vacation? Fill in the blank with your favorite word, but the long and short of it is I haven't been giving my blog the love it deserves.

Consider this my attempt at recovery from a bad relapse.

It's not that I haven't thought about blogging. Really, I have. At times, I think, who really wants to read what I have to say? But then I realized this is my therapy and I've skipped way to many sessions. This blog serves a purpose for me; a place to vent my thoughts, pose questions, and realize there are people going through just as I am.

Silly me for not taking better advantage.

Over the last few months ( I realized I haven't posted since January), I've been working like crazy, traveling, trying to diversify my portfolio (for you, B!) and many other things. I've had dealings with the SO that have caused me to take a good, hard look at myself and what I will and won't put up with. I've tried to stay true to my convictions, but at times found myself back in a place I said I'd never be again. Truth be told, I've had some downright discouraging moments. I've tried to make the best of them, but at the end of the day had to question how true I was being to myself.

It's amazing how certain outside factors can affect you. An alternative band named Incubus has a song titled "Drive" (you should check it out if you haven't heard it!) that talks about choices. The premise of the the song talks about letting fear drive our decisions and how that affects us. I can admittedly say that's been me over the last few months. But not just fear; uncertainty, doubt, and many other feelings have made their way into my life. And I allowed them to get the best of me. I could see it taking various forms in my life through my job, my relationship and issues with my family. In some cases, I was able to face it head on and come out victorious. In others, I'm not sure if I'm still fighting the battle or if I've already been defeated. Only time will tell. Thank the Man upstairs for grace and mercy, right?

As I'm sure my blog is rather vague about exactly what I've been going through recently, just know that it's been a somewhat tormented time. I'm a Scorpio and while there are many wonderful qualities that we posses, we are extremely emotional beings and are easily tormented by our own misgivings. I take extreme sensitivity to most things, and I analyze to death. Basically, I can be my own hurdle. When I get stuck in this space, it's hard for me to recover. On the outside I'm fine. But inside, I'm having a major internal struggle with myself about doing what will make me happy versus doing what will keep the peace or make others happy. Even though I could be miserable. It's sick I know, but it's me. Just another one of my addictions that gets the best of me at times.

Tonight, it was right in my spirit to post, so I did. And I feel really good now that I have. Stay tuned for more warped stories from inside the head of an addict.

Feels good to be back...

Tis Better to Have Loved and Lost...

2008-01-23T15:45:00.000-08:00

Peace everyone.

A few nights ago, I dreamed that my SO married his ex.

I know, I know...random.

Why do I care? She's not I part of his life and has not been for quite some time now. We've been doing our thing for a minute.

I guess what troubled me the most about my dream is that they (my SO and his ex) looked very happy together. I was even happy for them! And...he was still trying to convince me that we could still have a "thing" when clearly, we couldn't. WTF? No way...I'm nobody's fool. He was steady trying to convince me otherwise. Not to mention it was before the ceremony was to start.

So...I'm reaching out to the blogfam to gather your thoughts and opinions on my dream. Feel free to invite your regulars; perhaps they would like to comment or add perspective.

"Tis better to have love and lost, than not have loved at all."

Is it?

Finally!

2008-01-20T11:01:00.000-08:00

Lol...she's back!

It's been so long...and for that I owe my dedicated readers (or those who have nothing better to read) an apology. My last post was in '07 and we're well into '08. Seems as though I have some catching up to do.

So, what's the business?

I trust everyone had nice holidays and enjoyed time doing whatever it is you do. My holidays were spent below the Mason Dixon with family enjoying all the luxuries a Southern gurl turned Yankee can't get on the regular. Sweet tea, grits, homemade biscuits...let me stop before I get to excited.

After that, the SO had a work thing in FL, so we headed to Orlando for 5 days. Now, I was so excited to get to FL! What could be better than to get away from the cold Connecticut snow and gray days than 5 days in sunny FL? How about when we arrived, it was 32 degrees? WTF? I could have stayed home if I wanted the cold!! It was so cold, the locals were putting sheets over the foliage to keep it from freezing. We couldn't even go to a theme park it was so windy. And it stayed that way the entire time we were there. The only thing that made it worth while was the fact the sun was out; in New England, that's not a regular occurrence during the winter. That and of course, I was there with my SO and it was all "$FREE.99."

Since then, I've been a slave to my job. As mentioned in prior posts, I'm a fitness specialist for a big sports programming network. Right now, all of the "New Year's Resolutioners" are taking over! They want new fitness plans, measurements done, the works! Not that I mind; I love my job, but don't get it twisted. A sista is TIRED when she gets home. My extra labor is a direct result of me not having the energy to post over the last 2 weeks. Don't worry though; incidents have occurred lately which will prompt my fingers to grace the keypad more often over the next few days. I'll be seeking out thoughts and opinions from those of you who stop by regularly.

Whew...now that's more like it.

So...does this mean I'm forgiven?

To You and Yours...

2007-12-31T16:59:00.000-08:00

Wishing all my blogfam a happy, safe, and prosperous New Year!

Be Blessed!

~The Addict

Holiday Hiatus

2007-12-23T20:34:00.000-08:00

What up folk? As the holidays approach, I'm taking some much needed vaca to kick it with the fam. It's going to be 5 days of eating, sleeping, hugs, gifts and more. From there, I'll be heading to FL on business, not forgetting to add a little pleasure in between. I plan to enjoy every minute of it.

That being said, I bid everyone a safe, happy, and blessed holiday to you and yours!

Practically Perfect...

2007-12-21T16:29:00.000-08:00

Just today, while running on the treadmill, I realized that I am a perfectionist (of sorts). There are some things in my life that will never be perfect, and I'm OK with that. But there are others that I expect to be perfect. In fact, I work to make them perfect. But when my perfection suffers a blow...hold the phone. I find that I beat myself up. And I dwell on things longer than I should. Which affects my mood. And like a dark cloud, this "funk" settles over me and I have a hard time removing myself from that state. I don't like that about myself...at all.

More to come on this topic...feel free to comment at your leisure.

So I'm Addicted

2007-12-09T16:11:00.000-08:00

It's not just a name. Some things are "must haves" in my world. Albeit, not everyday, but every chance I get, I take a hit.

So here is it...the first among many lists, I'm sure. Just a few of the addicts addictions.

*SHOES- the number one addiction of all time. It's officially the crack in my life. Stilettos. Boots. Slingbacks. Peep-toes. Flats. I love them all. Nothing makes me happier than shopping for shoes. (Well, maybe the big "O", but that's another post.)

*Accessories- you know that line "she get it from her mama"? That's me, all day. My mother, the head Diva, gets the award for this one. Jewelry, purses, hats, scarves...you name it. I love it all.

*MAC- I think this one speaks for itself. A trip to the MAC counter can run me anywhere from $50-200. Easy. Shouts to all my fellow MAC addicts out there.

*Martinis- because I'm just that Diva. Nothing screams classy, trendy, sexy, and seasoned like a Martini. An apple martini to be specific. That's my fav, but I don't discriminate :) I'm an equal opportunity martini drinker.

*Sex and the City- OK, I was Carrie Bradshaw in my former life. I would do bodily harm for her wardrobe. I love the show's tribute to fashion, friendship and free thought. *Currently working on getting all 6 seasons on DVD. All contributions welcome.*

*The beach-my heart place. The sun, the sand, the ocean. Nothing beats falling asleep to the sound of the waves crashing against the shore. So carefree...so me. It's where I plan to retire.

*Barnes and Noble-I love to read. I've lost whole days in this store. I really have to plan my visits there. If I get here, you might have to put out an APB on my behalf. To quote my aunt, "Barnes and Nobles isn't just a bookstore, it's an experience."

*Mob movies- I'm so addicted to organized crime, it should be a crime. It appeals to my nature for some reason. It's the combo of power and respect...so sexy. Love all mob movies/shows: The Sopranos, Casino, Donnie Brasco, Goodfellas, Scarface, The Godfather, A Bronx Tale, Road to Perdition, Reservoir Dogs...yes and yes.

*Bojangles, Sonic and Chick-Fil-A-I'm not a big fast food junkie, but these are my "big 3." Especially now that I live in the north and can't get them as regularly...it's a must when I cross the Mason Dixon.

*Working out- Clearly. My major in college was Exercise and Sports Science, with a minor in Biology. I'm a Senior Health and Fitness Specialist for a major sports programming network. I coordinate the group fitness program-which means I design classes, the schedule, hire (and fire) instructors, and kick ass when teaching-, manage interns, and write exercise programs for employees. My work day sometimes consists of going to other fitness centers and working out, or educating our population about making healthy lifestyle choices. I'm certified in Kickboxing, Pilates, Ball, and aerobic training. Basically, I get paid to sweat.

More to come. Until then, put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Divine Intervention Pt.2

2007-12-04T16:06:00.000-08:00

Ya'll don't mind if I testify do ya?

Ok...now I know the Creater works in mysterious ways, yet, I'm still amazed when I see it unfold.

15 days ago, I posted Divine Intervention (the post below this one). In it, I mentioned how this concept is not truly understood, but can sometimes lead to some awesome things. You just never know.

I have been working dilligently at my job for just under 2 years. I moved to the north from the south, which put a serious dent in my savings account. It costs a mint to live up here, so every now and then, a sista was strugglin'. I was looking to advance not only for the opportunities...but a little mo' do. Nothing wrong with having one semi-fat pocket.

I had been praying for months for the Creater to bless me with what I needed to make moves in the right direction-up. I was frustrated. I was emotional. I cried. And yet, I prayed and waited.

Yesterday, my boss took me aside and told me that my promotion request had been approved! I was so happy, I could have cut a step; but I was offsite for some training, and needed to maintain my professional composure. You better believe I was having a party on the inside.

It's been a long time coming, and nothing was better than to hear those words flow from his lips.

How's that for divine intervention?

"But they that wait upon the Lord..."

Divine Intervention?

2007-11-18T09:45:00.000-08:00

Peace everyone.

Divine intervention is an amazing thing. People don't really understand it, present company included.

This morning, the SO and I were on our way to see the Man upstairs. We were walking to the truck looking clean! I was doing it big in a nice sweater and skirt with knee boots, and he was holding it down in a pinstripe suit, suspenders (I'm a sucker for a man in suspenders), and the Aldos to tie it all together. My phone vibrates letting me know I have a new voicemail. I check my messages to find out that I been called into work for a few hours. No big deal; except that I had to be in at 12:30. Smack dead in the middle of when I would be getting my hallelujah-thank you Jesus on. I was disappointed; I enjoy attending Sunday services. My schedule during the week is crazy, and I'm unable to attend services during the week. I'm also traveling a little more for work which takes away from regular attendance sometimes. On the bright side, I got to hold onto the money I was going to give away in church...divine intervention? Hey, it got me breakfast this morning, and I had some change left over. I'm not complaining.

What troubled me most is that one of my coworkers was irresponsible and just didn't come to work. So instead of one person working, 3 people have to come in over the course of an 8 hour day to make up for his absence. Everyone who came in had other things going on, and had to make schedule adjustments. And, to top it all off, he's a brother. There are only 2 of us that represent our side of the demographic here. He's not making it easy to dispel some of the stereotypes that our friends on the other side already have about us. I understand that he just got out of college, and he still might want to party like a rock star. That's fine; hell, I like to get my rock star on too. But not at the expense of my job. At what point do you grow up and take responsibility for your actions? I see some divine intervention in his future...perhaps not the kind he may want, but the kind he may need. Sometimes, life lessons come harder than we would like. He now faces the option of being reprimanded and not considered for future opportunities to advance. On the other hand, because of the leadership, flexibility, and manner in which myself and my coworker approached this situation, we are being looked at with more maturity, as strong leaders, and implementers in the game. That's very important when being looked at for promotions and other growth opportunities. Could be some good things in my future as a result this small inccident.

Thank the Creator for small favors...

A Little Something...

2007-11-16T21:59:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, the best moments spent with your SO are not out in public, all dressed up, smelling good. Often they are spent at home; very informal. I'm talking wife beater/sweat pants/doo-rag type ish. No TV, no phone...just good conversation with each other. Its these moments, when your guard may completely be let down, and you find comfort in just being ...

Just a little data for yo' scatta plot.

Making love to the mind...intellectual stimulation.

Yeah, I'm addicted.

To Freak, or Not to Freak

2007-11-15T08:27:00.000-08:00

Peace everyone.

I'm a hopeless romantic.

It's one of my many addictions (hence the name).

I think the idea of romance is beautiful. Flowers, candles, music, being swept off your feet, all that. I'm a sucker for it. I love happy endings, and if you really want to trap me, pay me a compliment. Better yet, pay me a few. I might just be putty in your hands. I really love hearing I'm beautiful, or sexy, or that I do it for you. Not that I'm stuck on myself (cuz I'm really not), but I do enjoy such things. It's all part of the romance.

I love to watch people be affectionate in public; sneaking kisses, holding hands, to see people in love. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

I know, I know. I'm a loser.

As I mature, and become more comfortable with my sexuality, I have learned that there is fine line between romance and sex. I've also come to understand that men and women have very different views on this topic. (Supposedly)Women need to be romanced in order to want sex. Men need sex in order to express their romantic side. Mars and Venus at its best.

Sex. It's the way you physically express love for another person (at least that's what they tell us). My zodiac sign is Scorpio, which is basically the lay term for "freak". I wish I could describe the looks I've received when men find out I'm a Scorpion. Their faces light up like Christmas trees. I'll put myself on blast and say that I have the potential makings of a freak. But, this Scorpio would sometimes rather have the romance then the sex.

What's wrong with me? Am I a freak for not being a freak? Don't get me wrong; sex can be wonderful. It's the greatest expression of love for someone else (or so they say). A good orgasm never hurt anyone. Maybe it's in my upbringing. Sex wasn't openly talked about in my family, but having respect for self was. I was taught to be a lady, and ladies don't do such things...or do they?

I've never heard any of the women in my family speak openly about sex. But they swoon over any guy that opens doors, pulls out chairs, and can speak in complete sentences. I call that the "representative"; you know, what you want people to see. Because behind closed doors...

Ludacris says "we want a lady in the streets, but a freak in the bed."

Is the freak becoming the new romantic?

Very interested in your comments.

~The Addict~

What?

2007-11-06T04:28:00.000-08:00

So this morning, I get to work. My day is going fine; no one is really saying much. Everyone is just coming and going as they please, which suits me just fine. I'm enjoying not being bothered when the phone rings. I answer, and on the other end of the phone is this strained, hoarse voice. " Um....Hi, this is _______ (all names have been removed to protect the innocent)." I say, "Yes, how can I help you?" The distressed voice says, " I'm really..OWWW... in a lot of pain right now...it hurts when I move my neck, and back, or when I turn over...I didn't know who else to call, so I called you. What should I do?" WTF? You're in pain and you call they gym and not a doctor?

Pause.

OK folks, let me rewind and give you some history. I'm employed at a corporate fitness center for a major sports network. The employees that work here definitely respect us as health & fitness professionals and often come to us with "out of the box" issues. Often, my coworkers and I look at each other and laugh; people clearly think we're geniuses! While that's not a bad thought, sometimes, they fail to realize that we can't do everything. What made this person think that I could give sound advice when thy clearly should have sought a medical professional is beyond me. I can see it now...I give advice, then something goes wrong and then I'm out of job for trying to help. Hell no. I wanted to say to her "Who do you think I am? What do you think I can do for you? And if you're in that much pain, why are you calling the gym, and not 911?" Nonetheless, I advised them to seek medical attention, hung up the phone, and laughed. A laugh in the morning never hurt anyone right?

In the Beginning...

2007-10-15T15:47:00.000-07:00

"...I don't know...I like this one. I've liked many before, but something about this one is different."

"I'm falling in love with me all over again!"

The beginning...when it's in it's infancy...when you find everything fascinating...when you hang on their every word...when you see their name in your caller ID and get excited...when you smile for no reason at all...when it's all you think about...when you count the minutes until you're together again...when nothing else matters. The addicts' definition of a new relationship.

Recently, my best friend came to my neck of the woods to visit a new "potential" suitor. As I made my way to the city to meet them, I was excited for her, for this new inspiration in her life. During our time together, I observed them closely. The way he looked at her. The way she smiled at him. The way he held her hand, opened doors, made her laugh. Their vibe was so strong and present, yet so intimate and personal. The above quotes are a few of her expressions on the experience so far. It's a privilege to bear witness to something like that. Usually, it brings you back to a time in your own life when that was you...testing the waters...figuring it out...falling...

My own reflection took me to a poem I wrote. Now I'm no poet, but I needed a way to organize my thoughts. Ironically, that's the name of the poem.

My Thoughts

I look at you, and see a sea of endless possibilities. Moments of passion suspended in the balance-our balance. Your eyes speak that which your tongue chooses not. Your touch is familiar like a favorite song, and your kiss...your kiss sends me soaring on cloud nine.

High like crystal meth in virgin veins, my mind spins; and gets caught in its own web of emotions: intrigue, excitement, desire and fear. Your arms represent my soul's protection. In our solace, time is unwavering. Your yin and my yang fuse to create a beautiful melody to which only we know the words. Time, stand still...

Call me crazy, right? But am I? Crazy to feel like this? Crazy to crave our emotional connection deeper? Crazy to believe my soul has met its mate-that you could be or are the one?

Damn. Maybe I am crazy.

Our souls speak in a language of their own. The connection is so deep, so real. The sun has just risen on our time; we're still crawling on all fours. I long for the day when morning becomes noon, and, our unstable crawl becomes a confident stride; our 4 legs become 2-one of yours and one of mine to stand together as one.

You're the blue line in my red sky; my sun at midnight, my moon in the morning. My complete compliment in every way...

I've made my decision. No more wasted time or deliberation. Simply stated: I want you.

It's a beautiful thing...

Plus One

2007-09-15T17:47:00.000-07:00

Peace everyone.

For those who are single, newly spoken for, or have been "boo-lovin" forever, feel me.

You know the time between relationships when you've finally gotten over your former "other" and have decided to move on and do you? That's when you start rolling for self; going places and doing things solo, hanging out with the ladies or the fellas more, finally getting around the doing all the the things you put on the back burner when you were involved. You get used to that feeling, and enjoy it. You don't have your "other" anymore; no one to help you carry your groceries in, take you here and there, or simply do things to make your life easier. Comfort eases your mind and you realize that maybe this life ain't so bad.

And then, out of the blue, someone wonderful crosses your path. You become "plus one". You now have a reason to check that "and guest" box on invitations. Your standard Friday night date is no longer the TV.

This person can do no wrong. They are there for you. They listen. They want to help. They love any and everything about you. You are what makes them complete. In the midst of all this bliss, you often find yourself pushing away their acts of kindness. Why? Not because you don't appreciate it. Not because deep down, these are the things you wish others would have done in the past. You've been single for so long, it's been on you to take care of you. It's hard to let go of old habits. Often times, people have the "I have to look at if as if you weren't here" mentalitly. If you weren't giving me money, if you weren't putting gas in my car...and so on. I've met many offers with the "independent woman" response. Recently, my other checked me on it and gave me some new perspective. I'm having to learn to fall back and let my man, be my man. I'm having to learn that it's OK to let him in. He wants to be there for me. Even more, I'm realizing that it feels pretty good to have someone in my corner.

Am I happy learning to fall back? Yes. Am I becoming dependant? Not in a million years. My momma didn't raise no fool...

Comments?

The Addict

Let it Burn?

2007-08-28T20:20:00.000-07:00

Peace folk...the addict is back in rehab. The most current addiction: desire.

We've all heard, and probably spoken the adage "we always want what we can't have." Life affords us the opportunity be on the good and not-so-good side of this adage. We see things all the time that we would love to have for ourselves: cars, clothes, money, other people. The desire to have them for ourselves is enough to sometimes push us to strident measures. However, it's not just tangible items that we long for. We desire ideas, concepts, even lifestyles. We want to be the best. Present company included, we're all guilty of it. Allow me to use myself as an example.

As women, there are many things that society says we should do. Getting married, having kids, taking care of home. Here's the twisted (or not) side to it all; women are very much in the mindset of doing these things. I'm not quite 30, but it's surely making it's way to my front door. I'm not married, have no kids, and can pretty safely say that I'm a far cry from either happening soon. But I want it. And in my original "master plan" it was supposed to happen a long time ago. I want it so badly, it keeps me up at night. But am I blinded by my desire? Am I letting it get the best of me? The desire to be a good wife, and mother is so strong; I've shed tears at the thought of it not happening. The need to be so much of what society says I should and so much of what I want to be. I've even thought about what would happen if I couldn't fulfill that desire. I'm not sure there is an adjective to describe what I would feel.

Desire is such a strong word. We give it even more power when it takes on an object. It's like a demon that has just found a host. It gives way to jealousy, envy, and causes people to do dangerous deeds to get what they want. While it desire has a "light" side that drives you to succeed, and work towards your goals in life, it makes people do crazy things. It makes you cheat on a test. It makes you settle when you think you can't do better. Desire has made many cheat, lie, steal for what they want with no regard for the outcome. All in an effort to get their next "fix"...whatever that may be.

What do you desire? Is it really worth it? Hit me in the comments with your thoughts and experiences.

I know this post may be a bit askew...charge it to the monkey on my back.

'Til my next OD...

The Addict

The Addict:101

2007-08-24T14:31:00.000-07:00

Peace and blessings...welcome to the mind of the addict. I'm a virgin to the world of blogging, and quite unsure of how this works. Where do I start? What are the rules? Will people really care what I have to say. Since it appears I was absent the day they went over this in school, I'll make a change to the syllabus-I'll do this my way. How does that sound?

Let's see, where do I start? Since most formal introductions involve names, let's discuss mine-the addict. The black and white of it is that it's me; it's who I am, my very being. I think once, I was reading an email; you know the ones that tell you about your personality based on your birthday? Well, my month read "November- The Addict". Everyone else had names like "The Lover", "The Thinker", "The Dreamer". Where did I go wrong? While not literally addicted to anything "dangerous" (herb, mini bottles of vodka, or sex), I have danced on the brink of some unhealthy addictions. It's the way I'm wired. When I like something, I like something. This includes people. Sometimes, I'm not the best judge of character-which has gotten me in trouble. I get attached easily and have a hard time letting go; I think the PC term is "detachment issues". There are certain things I don't do because I know they aren't good for me.But the desire is there...just like voices in the head of a crazy person. It's like Kanye says, "why everything that's supposed to be bad, make me feel so good?" Trust me, I'm working on myself as we speak.

So that's the science behind the name...and the person behind it. I'm not sure if this was a good first topic; I kinda put myelf out there. They say rehab comes in many forms....stay tuned. There's plenty more where that came from. Maybe some of you will get "addicted".

In all things, do you.

Peace,
The Addict