Perspective

It's amazing how perspective varies from person to person.


Take insecurity for example.


A person may not feel as though they are insecure, yet their actions may suggest otherwise. Example: saying you're OK with your boyfriend going out without you, then driving him crazy all night by texting/calling him. He can't enjoy himself and you are not acting as though you trust him.


But what happens on the rare occasion that someone is able to understand and acknowledge a person's perception of themselves-yet they can't? Someone believing they are not insecure and yet it's plain as day that they are?


I was talking to a good friend about this very topic this morning. He shared with me it's really about perspective. We conduct ourselves based on the way we think we are, not on the way it will be received by the external world. Events may take place and to one person it may seem like the worst thing ever, but to another, it's very surface level and "not that serious. "


Can you operate in a situation-work, relationship, marriage-like that? When people don't see eye to eye, does the situation have the strength to genuinely survive?


I think that's in the eye's of the beholder...

Inside my Frontal Lobe

Life is funny.

As much as you may try to plan, prepare, and proceed sometimes things may not turn out the way you'd like.

So does that then suggest that we don't think, but act on impulse? Dealing with issues only from a "black and white" stand point and never feeling out the gray in between?

Or do we examine the gray and try to help those who sit only on one side understand why we are not swaying to either?

And what if they don't get it? What if the equation is always 2+2=4, no more discussion?

How then do you proceed to make the best decisions possible when it could end up leaving a party unhappy, confused and trying to understand what went wrong?

Do I add graduate school to my ever-growing plate of work, and a relationship-knowing that something may suffer as a result?

Or do I wait (as I have done) until my relationship is a little stronger to handle the extra, and potentially unexpected, stress of less free time, weekends spent writing papers, studying, working on projects, reading, research and more?

If I am told (as I have been) that I have the support of my SO to move forward with school, how can I do so feeling that because I already have many things abound in my life, our relationship won't crash and burn? That he won't feel resentment towards me because I can't give him the quality time he needs and deserves? That my personal life will be hanging by a thread because I chose to do something that I've always wanted to do?

My relationship is a want.

School is a want.

Work is a need (a sistah's gotta eat, pay bills, and buy gas for the Pinto).

How do I answer this question: 'With everything you have going on, do you really need to be in a relationship right now?"

I don't know how to assess a "want" as a "need".

How do I create and understanding of the emotional depth of my concerns when the surface level is all that's being discussed?

Do I bite the bullet and make an executive decision for both?

This is one of those moments when I wish I could put my emotions and care and concern for others to the side a bit more easily and just roll with it.

Sometimes, being a woman is hard.

At what point do I get to have it all (whatever that means)?

Starting Over Yet Again

It's amazing to me how life gets in the way of your living sometimes. As much as I love my job, it has been taking over my life lately! Not to say that I don't love my job; I 100% do. It brings me a great deal of satisfaction doing what I do daily. But my responsibilities have grown. And when it's time to deliver, I do so with flying colors. Which results in the demand for the Addict to be a part of more projects, discussions, and trips to here and there.

Which is great! Nothing makes me happier than being a student of the game (i.e., my career) right now.

But little things get put to the sides as a result. And I'm having some trouble with the balance. Things like my relationship, my quiet time, my blogging are all taking a hit as a result of this new direction in my life. As I have a four-day weekend, I plan to vent many frustrations and catch up with all I've missed in the blog world. I also plan to do some real thinking and clearing my head. I didn't head to home for the holiday weekend (plane tickets are still astronomical) so it's just me, my apartment, a few good books, and some Law & Order marathons to keep me company. That and the idea of eating leftover turkey day goodies makes me warm and fuzzy inside.

I'm hoping to gain some of my sanity back this weekend. It's been aloof for quite some time now. Wish me luck.

Big, Fat Loser!

Yep, that's me. Been giving my whole life to my job and not nearly enough to my blog. When I was able to do this regularly, it was an essential part of my work/life balance. Now that I've been away for so long, I realize how much I truly miss it and connecting with the blogfam. I've made a promise to myself to make time to blog at least twice a week through the end of 2008. I think I can handle that : )

To quote NE-YO: "I guess you know you've made it when they start talking about you, right?" I'm not being talked about (at least to my face), but I've certainly been given more responsibility and job tasks at work. At the end of the day, it's all I can do to stay awake. I just want to drink wine and sleep. I know, I know- I need a better life.

So...what's been up? How are we feeling about the economy, politics, Sarah Palin, NFL, and more??

Morning Glory

I'm so NOT a morning person.

I decided that I would use this as an opportunity to vent how much I despise getting up early. I had to open at work today. Opening for us is 6am; which means I have to get up at 5, be out the door by 5:20 to arrive at work by 5:50.

Who really gets up that early? I'm not even awake yet. I'm operating strictly on auto pilot at that hour.

Morning people trouble me; they're all excited, awake, and happy. I love peace and quiet in the mornings; no noise, talking, or a lot of movement for that matter.

The sick part is, on the days I'm up this early, I'm highly productive at work. Not that I'm not on other days, but I especially notice it the days I have to be in early. Ain't that a B?

OK-vent session over. Thanks for listening.

Happy Monday!

The Latest Addictions-Pt 2

OK kids! I'm back; and figuring that a new list of my latest addictions are in order. Here we go:

Pistachios-OMG. Don't know when it started. I think I was at the cafe one day at work; I had my mouth sot (yes, sot) and ready for some cashews, and they were out. I settled for pistachios instead, and the rest is history.

Lemon-water- I find that I don't want to drink my water without a wedge of lemon in it. Maybe it was the summer; you know the whole citrus, fruity vibe summer brings, I'm not sure, but now I'm obsessed and will have it no other way.

Fantasy football- I was a FF virgin until last year. I played my first season, and made it all the way to the playoffs. This year, I was so obsessed with playing that when I found out I wouldn't be able to make my draft, I recruited someone to sit in for me. Not that it mattered; I had the 10th pick. I didn't come out too bad; I got some pretty good folks on my squad. I'll keep you posted on my progress.

My (soon-to-be new)hair color- Now- I must say that back in the day, I was pretty regular with keeping my hair colored. I'm naturally black, but in the summer my hair lightens in the sun. In college, I used to jump on that and add a little color. I find myself drawn towards red/auburn/copper-like colors. I'm extremely fair-skinned and those colors work well with my complexion. I'm also very artsy; I like different, new, "raised-eyebrow" styles so to speak. I'm thinking about doing the just the top half in a reddish copper, and keeping the back my natural color. Pics to follow soon!!!

Graduate school- It's always been a personal dream of mine to get my master's degree. Here lately, it's all I can think about. I'm in the process of looking at programs, deciding on my top 10 schools to apply to, and saving $$ for those application fees (cuz they are no joke!). I have big dreams of going abroad and teaching during school. I know it's going to be hella work, but I'm crazy excited!

My alma mata- Nestled in the sleepy town of Greenville, NC is the upstanding East Carolina University, home of the Pirates!! So far, my boys are having a killer season. We're 3-0 and recently acquired a national ranking! Is there a BCS bowl in our future? We haven't had a season start like this since my freshman year in '99. I'm a fan whether we win or lose, but I'll take the W any day of the week. Check them out: http://www.ecu.edu/ (pirate athletics). It's all about the Pirate Nation, baby! GO PIRATES!!!

Bob Sanders-Yeah...he just does it for me. The defensive back/safety for the Indianapolis Colts is my guy. I just dig his style, and love how he leaves his mark on the field in every game.

As of now, this rounds me out. I'm sure there's more, but that's just another excuse to blog right?

When it Rains...

...it pours.

Before LD weekend, I got a call from my mother. Sidebar: she lives below the Mason Dixon, and I'm all the way in New England. Needless to say, I dread the day the phone rings, and I'm not greeted with positive news. Back to the story: She informs me that during a routine mammogram, they come across something. Suspicion leads the specialist to believe that its nothing more than a calcium deposit, but just to be safe film is passed on for a second opinion. Come to find out, it's actually a mass that will require immediate removal. She (Mom dukes) sees the surgeon on Thursday of the same week and he wants to get her in a bed immediately. One problem: there are no beds available. She waits until Monday, and is able to get in, have the mass removed and sent away for biopsy and testing. Turns out, it's benign.

Score: Man Upstairs-1, Other guy-0


Following the surgery, I receive a phone call at work that my mother has just had a seizure sitting in the living room of my grandmother's house in front my my family. Yeah, I said seizure. No, she's not epileptic, but she has been experiencing these seizures all summer. Here's the catch; most people who have seizures know they are having or have had one. My mom doesn't know she's having one, can't hear you speak to her during it, and has no signs that one is coming on. While that might not seem all that crazy, the first 3 seizures she had occurred while she was driving. Had someone not been in the car with her....we won't go there. Luckily, she has a passenger when she ran the red light, stop sign and intersection because she was seizing when it happened. And everyone survived.

Turns out, she has something called Petite Mal or Silent Seizures. Instead of the shaking, eye-rolling, teeth-grinding episodes that people who suffer Grand Mal seizures experience, she experiences episodes where she looks like she's sleeping with her eyes open. She can't hear you calling her name. She makes a noise as if she's humming. She may slump over, and blink a lot. And when it's over, she's just as alert as can be. She's thinking that time is where it was 20 seconds earlier, only it's not.

You can imagine how scared I was when my aunt leaves this message on my voicemail at work: "Hey, it's Aunt Ash. Your mom just had a seizure, and I'm taking her to the doctor right now. Call you when we know more."

WTF?

Luckily, her seizures can be controlled by medication, and as long as she stays consistent she should be fine. Her neurologist (who is fantastic by the way) says that she shouldn't have to limit any of her normal activities of daily living.

Advantage: Man Upstairs

In addition to all this, my mother also has a small tumor on her brain. It's currently benign; but inoperable. It's called a menigioma (tumor of the meninges). Basically, it's right on the surface of her gray matter, and they can't risk going in to remove it without doing damage to her frontal lobe.

Crazy.

Needless to say, I'm keeping the faith. I understand that when it rains it pours, but then again, nothing grows without a little rain right?

My faith is growing every day...