In My Mind

Peace everyone.

As an addendum to my previous post, I've decided to add this draft of a post that never made it to the light of day. Just a little insight to some of what I was experiencing during my time away. This post is titled "Is This the Way Love Feels?" All comments/thoughts/feedback welcome.

Is This the Way Love Feels?


Wow...I just looked at the date of my last post and it said Jan. 23rd. Way too long away; my apologies to those who stop by on occasion to check me out.


Now, on to business.


The title of this blog is actually the name of a song on Chrisette Michele's debut CD, "I Am." It describes my thoughts perfectly. Over the past 2 months or so, I've been on a roller coaster with things in my relationship. Somehow, it went from being healthy and fun, to too serious for words.

Literally.

Innocent conversations and questions prelude uncomfortable sighs and silences coupled with thoughts of "what's he thinking?", or "did I upset her?". Now, nothing is fair game without repercussions.


I'm a women; older (beyond 25), working on becoming established, refined (0r so I like to think), intelligent, and fairly easy on the eyes. As I have matured, so has my thought process. But are my thoughts ahead of the game? Am I taking things too seriously? When issues are put on the table, my head immediately begins to swim with questions. I have, on many occasions, been known to counter with a reply of ideas my SO "just hadn't thought about." Things that are are "not that serious" to him are "big deals to me". And because it is this way, now, there is no enjoyment in going out, spending time, savoring the moment(s). I was told that lately, good times weren't had by all when we hang. That it's a strain for us to enjoy ourselves without someone getting testy (is that how you spell it?) or topics of discussion turning too serious. It was brought to my attention that the quality time may not be sufficient enough and a few other things. And all this time, I thought I was doing something right.


Background: we've been together just under a year. My job requires me to give 100% all day, everyday, and his is the opposite. When I get off work, yes I'm tired, but not too tired to engage in conversation or enjoy dinner out. His day is quiet, seated, and low key. By the time he gets off, he's ready to hit the ground running. And while I'm not opposed to that, I just need some time when I am done working to disconnect from all the people, music, activity, and demands of my job. Am I tired? Hell yes. To tired to cuddle? Not at all.

So, my question is this: Are we wasting our time? Do we just cut our losses and say it was fun while it lasted?

Back from my most recent trip to rehab...

Peace everyone.

So....I'm back.

As I'm sure those who occasionally check my blog can see, it's been eons since my last post. I guess you could say I've been on... sabbatical? Hiatus? Vacation? Fill in the blank with your favorite word, but the long and short of it is I haven't been giving my blog the love it deserves.

Consider this my attempt at recovery from a bad relapse.

It's not that I haven't thought about blogging. Really, I have. At times, I think, who really wants to read what I have to say? But then I realized this is my therapy and I've skipped way to many sessions. This blog serves a purpose for me; a place to vent my thoughts, pose questions, and realize there are people going through just as I am.

Silly me for not taking better advantage.

Over the last few months ( I realized I haven't posted since January), I've been working like crazy, traveling, trying to diversify my portfolio (for you, B!) and many other things. I've had dealings with the SO that have caused me to take a good, hard look at myself and what I will and won't put up with. I've tried to stay true to my convictions, but at times found myself back in a place I said I'd never be again. Truth be told, I've had some downright discouraging moments. I've tried to make the best of them, but at the end of the day had to question how true I was being to myself.

It's amazing how certain outside factors can affect you. An alternative band named Incubus has a song titled "Drive" (you should check it out if you haven't heard it!) that talks about choices. The premise of the the song talks about letting fear drive our decisions and how that affects us. I can admittedly say that's been me over the last few months. But not just fear; uncertainty, doubt, and many other feelings have made their way into my life. And I allowed them to get the best of me. I could see it taking various forms in my life through my job, my relationship and issues with my family. In some cases, I was able to face it head on and come out victorious. In others, I'm not sure if I'm still fighting the battle or if I've already been defeated. Only time will tell. Thank the Man upstairs for grace and mercy, right?

As I'm sure my blog is rather vague about exactly what I've been going through recently, just know that it's been a somewhat tormented time. I'm a Scorpio and while there are many wonderful qualities that we posses, we are extremely emotional beings and are easily tormented by our own misgivings. I take extreme sensitivity to most things, and I analyze to death. Basically, I can be my own hurdle. When I get stuck in this space, it's hard for me to recover. On the outside I'm fine. But inside, I'm having a major internal struggle with myself about doing what will make me happy versus doing what will keep the peace or make others happy. Even though I could be miserable. It's sick I know, but it's me. Just another one of my addictions that gets the best of me at times.

Tonight, it was right in my spirit to post, so I did. And I feel really good now that I have. Stay tuned for more warped stories from inside the head of an addict.

Feels good to be back...