Inside my Frontal Lobe

Life is funny.

As much as you may try to plan, prepare, and proceed sometimes things may not turn out the way you'd like.

So does that then suggest that we don't think, but act on impulse? Dealing with issues only from a "black and white" stand point and never feeling out the gray in between?

Or do we examine the gray and try to help those who sit only on one side understand why we are not swaying to either?

And what if they don't get it? What if the equation is always 2+2=4, no more discussion?

How then do you proceed to make the best decisions possible when it could end up leaving a party unhappy, confused and trying to understand what went wrong?

Do I add graduate school to my ever-growing plate of work, and a relationship-knowing that something may suffer as a result?

Or do I wait (as I have done) until my relationship is a little stronger to handle the extra, and potentially unexpected, stress of less free time, weekends spent writing papers, studying, working on projects, reading, research and more?

If I am told (as I have been) that I have the support of my SO to move forward with school, how can I do so feeling that because I already have many things abound in my life, our relationship won't crash and burn? That he won't feel resentment towards me because I can't give him the quality time he needs and deserves? That my personal life will be hanging by a thread because I chose to do something that I've always wanted to do?

My relationship is a want.

School is a want.

Work is a need (a sistah's gotta eat, pay bills, and buy gas for the Pinto).

How do I answer this question: 'With everything you have going on, do you really need to be in a relationship right now?"

I don't know how to assess a "want" as a "need".

How do I create and understanding of the emotional depth of my concerns when the surface level is all that's being discussed?

Do I bite the bullet and make an executive decision for both?

This is one of those moments when I wish I could put my emotions and care and concern for others to the side a bit more easily and just roll with it.

Sometimes, being a woman is hard.

At what point do I get to have it all (whatever that means)?